Forget the Oscars and the Razzies. Welcome to the Bro-cademy Awards, the annual (?) awards post celebrating the finest and worst in film.
We’re only days away from the Oscars and the Razzies, the annual award shows that honor the best and worst film had to offer every year. This is the Bro-cademy Awards, however. And here at the Bro-cademy Awards, we’ll commemorate the good and bad 2016 had to offer in film all in one post.
Now here’s the criterion: NO ONE IS SAFE.
Enough talk, let’s get down to business.
The Bro, It’s a Good Movie, But I’m Totally Straight Award: Moonlight
Seriously guys, are we not comfortable enough in our sexuality to the point that we need to defend ourselves when we like movies that feature characters that are attracted to the same-sex? Well, sorry if I spoiled the movie for everybody, but Moonlight is a great coming of age story about a young man’s journey through life. I highly recommend it.
The Bro, If He Can Make a Movie, So Can I Award: Marlon Wayans, Fifty Shades of Black
Marlon Wayans has gone so far down this path that he can’t even get his brother Shawn Wayans to make spoof movies with him anymore. Fifty Shades of Black is one of those movies that makes you wonder why you aren’t famous and making movies. Because if Marlon Wayans can make a feature-length film based on a piece of feces he once took, so can you.
The Bro, Who Thought This Was a Good Idea? Award: Gods of Egypt and Pride And Prejudice Zombies (Tie)
Gods of Egypt is a movie that features a predominantly white cast battling each other for power in Egypt. It of course stars Gerard Butler, because why wouldn’t it? If those two sentences alone don’t tell you that Gods of Egypt was a bad idea, maybe the fact that it had a production budget of $140 million will. And while Pride and Predjudice Zombies is based on a popular book, I’m struggling to find who exactly was begging for it to be adapted into a movie.
The Bro, I Know You’ve Never Heard of It Award: Midnight Special
I saw this movie without knowing anything about it. I didn’t watch the trailer, any interviews, nothing. Just went in not knowing what to expect. Do yourself a favor and do the same with this film, and you’ll witness one of the best movies of 2016 that got no love.
The Bro, This is Donald Trump’s America Award: London Has Fallen
If you wanted to see a premonition of what was to come in November of 2016, look no further than last March’s London Has Fallen. It’s a sequel to 2013’s Olympus Has Fallen, and of course, stars Gerard Butler, because why wouldn’t it? The film is so insensitive to the Middle East it’s not even funny. All this film is missing is “America, **ck Yea!” playing in the background and you would’ve had a full-fledged documentary about what the future of America would look like under the leadership of Donald Trump. On a separate note, I liked the movie.
The Bro, Nobody Does It Better Award: Marvel Comics/ Studios
Marvel has an impeccable track record as it pertains to making entertaining films. Marvel did it again this year, as Deadpool enchanted audiences everywhere, Captain America: Civil War was what we wanted the 2nd Avengers movie to be, and we learned what the hell was a Doctor Strange. Bravo Marvel, just don’t make another Fantastic Four movie. And after Logan, stop making X-Men movies.
The Bro, Get Your Act Together Award: DC Comics
Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Suicide Squad. You better get it together in time for Wonder Woman and Justice League DC.
The Bro, Why Didn’t You See This Movie? Award: The Nice Guys
The Nice Guys is set in 1970s Los Angeles. It stars fat Russell Crowe and the guy you want to be Ryan Gosling as private detectives. The plot centers around the assassination of an adult film star. WHY DIDN’T YOU SEE THIS MOVIE, BRO!? Based on the synopsis above, you should’ve.
The Bro, She Made Me Go See It Award: The Girl on the Train
The Girl on the Train is the movie your girlfriend makes you go see because she sat through your stupid movie about a guy running around in an American flag outfit. I feel sorry for all the poor souls who were dragged to go see this movie. Watching this film makes you re-evaluate your relationship.
The Bro, I don’t Know Who You Are Anymore Award: Robert De Niro, Dirty Grandpa
Yes, I’m talkin’ to you De Niro. Robert De Niro has been the star of not only some of the best bro movies of all time, but legendary ones as well. Taxi Driver. Goodefellas. Heat. Then, he decided to say screw it and do movies for the money. The Fockers trilogy (*did I seriously just call that a trilogy?). Showtime. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. But De Niro stooped to a new low with Dirty Grandpa. So low that I don’t even recognize him as one of the finest actors in Hollywood anymore. At this point, he’s done more critically panned films than critically praised ones, and Dirty Grandpa stands out above the rest as his worst work.
The Bro, I’m a Social Justice Warrior Now Award: The Birth of a Nation
You said you were going to go see The Birth of A Nation after hearing the rave reviews it received at the Sundance Film Festival. You then proceeded to protest watching it upon learning its star/ director/ writer Nate Parker was acquitted of sexually assaulting a female student while he was attending Penn State. It’s a shame, because The Birth of a Nation is one of the best movies of the year. But when you don’t follow Oprah’s advice, no one will go see your movie. And everyone will give themselves a pat on the back because they didn’t, feeling like they are now a social justice warrior. They’ll also pat themselves on the back for seeing it thinking that by doing so, racism is over, thus making them a social justice warrior. This is why we can’t have nice things.
The Bro, NO I’M SERIOUS, WHO THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA!? Award: Max Steel and Ben-Hur (Tie)
WHO WANTED A MOVIE TO BE MADE BASED OFF OF A LAME 90s CARTOON? Well, at least the excuse can be made that since it was re-booted in 2013, maybe there was something to gain by attempting to turn Max Steel into a franchise. That being said, it was still an awful idea. Ben-Hur, on the other hand, is just plain inexcusable. I would’ve loved to been at Paramount for the production meeting of this film. HEY GUYS LETS REMAKE A CLASSIC HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER WITH NO MAJOR STARS. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!
The Bro, It’s The Worst Movie of the Year Award: Ghostbusters
The filmmakers thought if they put a bunch of “funny” women in a movie and slapped the name “Ghostbusters” on it, everyone would go see it and laugh. The movie has the nerve to boast a “WE DID IT!” attitude because they made a Ghostbusters movie with an all female cast. The movie sucks. The special effects suck. The cast sucks and has no chemistry. They drag the old cast of the 1984 classic into it. And before you call me a sexist, they could’ve made this with Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill and called it 23 Ghostbusters Street and it still would’ve been unwatchable. Ghostbusters had its time. Let it die.
The Bro, I Love This Movie Award: Hell or High Water
Since you won’t proclaim Moonlight the best movie of the year for fear that your masculinity will be questioned, I have the perfect alternative. Hell or High Water. It’s about 2 brothers robbing banks in Texas while being chased by THE DUDE himself, Jeff Bridges. It’s a modern western that is quite honestly not only one of my favorite films of the year, but also one of the best films of the year.
The Bro, What Did I Just Watch? Award: Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice
When I was asked how this movie was upon seeing it, I only had one response: IT WAS INCOHERENT. Why Doomsday? Why did Batman have a “knightmare” about Superman and giant mosquitos turning the world into Mad Max: Fury Road? Why did Lex Luthor pee in a jar? For crying out loud, my mom was even asking why Batman and Superman are even fighting? None of these questions get answered. All you get is a loud, overlong, incoherent film that my brother liked.
And there you have it! THE 2017 BRO-CADEMY AWARD “WINNERS”! Let’s give everyone a round of applause! We hope you’ve enjoyed this look back at the year in film that was 2016. We’ll (*maybe*) see you here next year at the Bro-cademy awards!