Bro-Reviews: The 10 Worst Movies of 2017

One overwhelming feeling I couldn’t escape from my movie going experience in 2017 was just how underwhelmed I was walking out of most films this year. Another feeling I most certainly couldn’t help but feel was how angry I was watching certain films. Sure, bad movies are released pretty much every week now these days, but 2017 saw many films leaving myself and audiences visibly and audibly upset walking out of theaters. Of course, one cannot view every bad movie, but the following films listed are the the absolute worst 2017 had to offer.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Bright (Netflix)

Joel Edgerton and Will Smith in “Bright.”

Alien: Covenant

“Alien: Covenant.”

Fifty Shades Darker

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in “Fifty Shades Darker.”

Snatched

Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer in “Snatched.”

10. Fist Fight

Ice Cube and Charlie Day in “Fist Fight.”

Mean spirited and unfunny, Fist Fight wastes a talented cast with a juvenile script and obvious gags. Its underlying message of how awful the public school system has become also goes nowhere, and ranks as one of the most misguided comedies of 2017.


9. Justice League

Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Ray Fisher, Ezra Miller, and Jason Momoa in “Justice League.”

One thought after the success of Wonder Woman, DC might finally be on the right track. Justice League proves DC hasn’t learned from their previous mistakes, as this rushed and heavily re-shot answer to Marvel’s The Avengers didn’t even gross as much as the incoherent Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice. The DC Extended Universe may be beyond saving at this point.


8. The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie.”

If you ever wanted the film embodiment of a corporation desperately trying to appeal to younger audiences and thinking they’re being clever about it, The Emoji Movie is for you.


7. Geostorm

Gerrard Butler in “Geostorm.”

Geostorm makes Armageddon look like Casablanca. It could’ve been dumb fun, but it’s mostly listless and overdone with poor special effects. Geostorm tries to breathe life into the dying disaster movie genre, but fails spectacularly.


6. Transformers: The Last Knight

“Transformers: The Last Knight.”

The Transformers franchise has so much potential to be great, even in the hands of a true auteur like Michael Bay. But we must put an end to the Autobots and Decepticons, as Transformers: The Last Knight is an overlong and over-complicated fever dream that ranks as the worst the series has to offer. And that’s saying something.


5. The Snowman

“The Snowman.”

The Snowman feels like an incomplete project not even a first year film student would submit. It’s poorly structured, sloppily edited, and above all else, boring. The Snowman aims to be the next Se7en or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but comes across as a counterfeit knockoff no sane person would classify as good filmmaking.


4. Baywatch

http3a2f2fhypebeast-com2fimage2f20172f032fbaywatch-trailer-official-0
“Baywatch.”

Bikinis, cleavage, abs, comedy, action, and The Rock?! What could possibly go wrong? For Baywatch, everything. This lame, uninspired summer action comedy is a chore to sit through, rendering this bay unwatchable.


3. Mother!

mother-2017-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000
Javier Bardem and Jennifer Lawrence in “Mother!.”

Calling Mother! pretentious would be an insult to the word. Mother! believes it’s groundbreaking and deep by realizing Biblical scripture in modern times, but is ultimately a pointless venture made purely for shock value.


2. All Eyez on Me

all-eyez-on-me-movie-tupac-1024x683
Demetrius Shipp, Jr. in “All Eyez on Me.”

Tupac Shakur was a fascinating man and a rap legend, but you wouldn’t know that by watching the ill-fated bio-pic All Eyez on Me. This two-and-a-half hour long slog through the rapper’s life plays like a cheap, scratched-up greatest hits album that is missing some tracks, and ultimately has no flow.


1. Wish Upon

Joey King in “Wish Upon.”

From bad acting, shameless pandering to millennials, to being downright comedic instead of scary, Wish Upon hoped to lure in an unassuming and undemanding audience that still believes The Blair Witch Project was real. The result of this poor update on “The Monkey’s Paw” turned out to be not only one of the best screening experiences I’ve ever had, but most importantly, the absolute worst 2017 had to offer in film.

 

Advertisements

Bro Reviews: Fist Fight

Public School is hell, as is this movie.

February is a month that only recently has become a destination for blockbusters. In years past, the month of February, much like the month of January, has been a dumping ground for film studios. Studios typically release films during this time with the hope that you’ll be so bored that you have no choice but to see one of their films they have absolutely no faith in. Warner Brothers and New Line Cinema may have outdone themselves this time with their latest film, Fist Fight.

A loose remake of the 1987 cult classic Three O’Clock High, Fist Fight stars It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia star Charlie Day as Andy Campbell. Mr Campbell is a spineless English teacher who is just trying to make it through the last day of the school year at Roosevelt High. The school is overrun with spoiled public school children who terrorize the teachers, and with this being the last day of school, they decide to take their high-jinks a little too far. This angers noted hot-head teacher Ron Strickland (Ice Cube) so much that he decides to be just as careless as the children in this film and destroys a desk with an axe. With layoffs looming and fearing for his job, Mr. Campbell rats on Mr. Strickland in a meeting with Principal Richard Tyler (Dean Norris), costing Mr. Strickland his job. Mr. Strickland, irate over losing his job, challenges Mr. Campbell to a fist fight after school, while Mr. Campbell spends the rest of the film trying to find a way out before ultimately engaging in the fight.

Fist Fight is a prime example of a wasted opportunity. The film is so lazily put together it doesn’t even feel like a movie. It’s more like a collection of improv sketches that took place at a high school stitched together into what is barely a feature-length film.

I love Charlie Day. He’s great on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and in Horrible Bosses. But all he does in this film is screech and ab-lib. You never find yourself really rooting for his character since he’s such a pushover, so his transformation into a guy who will stand up for himself seems forced and doesn’t add up. His adversary, Ice Cube, is only in the film to be angry. Ice Cube does this exceptionally well in the Jump Street movies, but he’s given no clever material here to make it work. That is, unless you count recycling his classic lines from his N.W.A. days or in the Friday film series as clever, which I don’t.

The supporting cast doesn’t really help the film either. Tracy Morgan does what Tracy Morgan does, and it’s not very good. Jillian Bell also ad-libs her way through this film, and constantly speaks about how she is attracted to the male students at the school. The first time around it gave me a laugh, but they beat the joke into the ground to the point that you  can’t help but think of inappropriate student-teacher  relationships such as Mary Kay Letourneau and the recent Kelsey Leigh Gutierrez. It’s disturbing.  Dean Norris as the principal of the school just screams his way through the film, adding relatively nothing funny to the mix. And I want to make a plea here: STOP PUTTING CHRISTINA HENDRICKS IN MOVIES. All she does in every film is say and do crazy things while attempting to look sexy. It’s the exact same thing she did in last year’s box office turkey Bad Santa 2 and once again does the same thing in this film. Silicon Valley‘s Kumail Nanjiani is wasted as the school’s security guard, and poor Dennis Haysbert must have really needed a paycheck, as he shows up for 2 scenes as the superintendent of the school district.

The only 2 things I can think of when complementing this film are the last 20 minutes or so. In those 20 minutes, we see a grade school-aged girl sing a wildly inappropriate Big Sean song (*there are only 2 that should come to mind*) at a talent show, which is of-course ripping off a classic scene from Little Miss Sunshine, but its pretty funny. And the fist fight itself must have been where all the film’s budget went, as its well choreographed and delivers.However, you have to sit through an hour and ten minutes of unfunny ab-libbing beforehand, and those 20 minutes are not enough to make up for that hour and ten minutes.

Not to mention, the film feels a bit irresponsible. Fist Fight has the combination of over-privileged spoiled brats terrorizing the school and the sub-plot of teachers’ jobs being on the line due to budget cuts, and these are real problems that are facing our public school systems today. But the film doesn’t bother to elaborate or provide useful commentary on how public schools have gotten to this point that they will literally sanction two teachers fighting each other since the system has failed them. Now I’m not asking Fist Fight to elevate its lowbrow premise necessarily, but it seems like there could have been a funny, insightful film here had everyone involved just tried a little bit. But no, Fist Fight would rather have a running gag of how many ways students can draw dude genitalia throughout the school.

Fist Fight is a classic example of film that had no script to begin with and relied too heavily on the talent of its cast to make something happen. Well, other than the fist fight itself, nothing comes together. And as if to add insult to injury, they run every joke into the ground. It’s a shame too, because somewhere within the development of this film, there was a good movie to be made. The finished product, however, is an utter waste of time and money.

Rating: 1/4 Stars. Stay away.