Bro-Reviews: The 10 Worst Movies of 2017

One overwhelming feeling I couldn’t escape from my movie going experience in 2017 was just how underwhelmed I was walking out of most films this year. Another feeling I most certainly couldn’t help but feel was how angry I was watching certain films. Sure, bad movies are released pretty much every week now these days, but 2017 saw many films leaving myself and audiences visibly and audibly upset walking out of theaters. Of course, one cannot view every bad movie, but the following films listed are the the absolute worst 2017 had to offer.

(Dis)Honorable Mentions:

Bright (Netflix)

Joel Edgerton and Will Smith in “Bright.”

Alien: Covenant

“Alien: Covenant.”

Fifty Shades Darker

Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson in “Fifty Shades Darker.”

Snatched

Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer in “Snatched.”

10. Fist Fight

Ice Cube and Charlie Day in “Fist Fight.”

Mean spirited and unfunny, Fist Fight wastes a talented cast with a juvenile script and obvious gags. Its underlying message of how awful the public school system has become also goes nowhere, and ranks as one of the most misguided comedies of 2017.


9. Justice League

Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Ray Fisher, Ezra Miller, and Jason Momoa in “Justice League.”

One thought after the success of Wonder Woman, DC might finally be on the right track. Justice League proves DC hasn’t learned from their previous mistakes, as this rushed and heavily re-shot answer to Marvel’s The Avengers didn’t even gross as much as the incoherent Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice. The DC Extended Universe may be beyond saving at this point.


8. The Emoji Movie

The Emoji Movie.”

If you ever wanted the film embodiment of a corporation desperately trying to appeal to younger audiences and thinking they’re being clever about it, The Emoji Movie is for you.


7. Geostorm

Gerrard Butler in “Geostorm.”

Geostorm makes Armageddon look like Casablanca. It could’ve been dumb fun, but it’s mostly listless and overdone with poor special effects. Geostorm tries to breathe life into the dying disaster movie genre, but fails spectacularly.


6. Transformers: The Last Knight

“Transformers: The Last Knight.”

The Transformers franchise has so much potential to be great, even in the hands of a true auteur like Michael Bay. But we must put an end to the Autobots and Decepticons, as Transformers: The Last Knight is an overlong and over-complicated fever dream that ranks as the worst the series has to offer. And that’s saying something.


5. The Snowman

“The Snowman.”

The Snowman feels like an incomplete project not even a first year film student would submit. It’s poorly structured, sloppily edited, and above all else, boring. The Snowman aims to be the next Se7en or The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but comes across as a counterfeit knockoff no sane person would classify as good filmmaking.


4. Baywatch

http3a2f2fhypebeast-com2fimage2f20172f032fbaywatch-trailer-official-0
“Baywatch.”

Bikinis, cleavage, abs, comedy, action, and The Rock?! What could possibly go wrong? For Baywatch, everything. This lame, uninspired summer action comedy is a chore to sit through, rendering this bay unwatchable.


3. Mother!

mother-2017-1200-1200-675-675-crop-000000
Javier Bardem and Jennifer Lawrence in “Mother!.”

Calling Mother! pretentious would be an insult to the word. Mother! believes it’s groundbreaking and deep by realizing Biblical scripture in modern times, but is ultimately a pointless venture made purely for shock value.


2. All Eyez on Me

all-eyez-on-me-movie-tupac-1024x683
Demetrius Shipp, Jr. in “All Eyez on Me.”

Tupac Shakur was a fascinating man and a rap legend, but you wouldn’t know that by watching the ill-fated bio-pic All Eyez on Me. This two-and-a-half hour long slog through the rapper’s life plays like a cheap, scratched-up greatest hits album that is missing some tracks, and ultimately has no flow.


1. Wish Upon

Joey King in “Wish Upon.”

From bad acting, shameless pandering to millennials, to being downright comedic instead of scary, Wish Upon hoped to lure in an unassuming and undemanding audience that still believes The Blair Witch Project was real. The result of this poor update on “The Monkey’s Paw” turned out to be not only one of the best screening experiences I’ve ever had, but most importantly, the absolute worst 2017 had to offer in film.

 

Advertisements

Bro-Reviews: Geostorm

Armageddon The Day After Tomorrow.

Disaster movies have been a mainstay in Hollywood since its inception. Films like The Towering Inferno and The Poseidon Adventure still hold a special place in Hollywood’s history. Disaster films even experienced a resurgence in the 1990s and the 2000s with the release of Independence Day, Titanic, Armageddon, and The Day After Tomorrow, all of which made a killing at the box office. One of the producers of some of the aforementioned films, Dean Devlin, decided it was time for him to get in on the action and make his directorial debut in the newest disaster movie Hollywood has to offer, Geostorm.

Geostorm starts off by explaining that in 2019, global warming has reached extreme new levels and has all but wiped out planet earth. However, thanks to 18 nations coming together to build a system of satellites known as the “Dutch Boy”, led by one Jake Lawson (Gerard Butler), the weather can now be controlled and earth is saved. Years later, the system of satellites appear to be malfunctioning, leaving the earth vulnerable to numerous storms coming together to the point of catastrophic levels that could destroy humanity, known as a “geostorm.” It is then up to the original architect of “The Dutch Boy”, Jake, to solve who is causing the satellites to malfunction before it’s too late.

It’s important to note that Geostorm has been in development since 2014, and required $15 million in re-shoots, with producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Danny Cannon being brought on after poor test screenings in 2015. ThisĀ  resulted in the film changing its release date multiple times. Typically, one of those occurrences is bad sign for a film. When all of these elements are involved, you’ve got a film Warner Brothers knew was bomb from the start. Timing also couldn’t have been worse in regards to the release of the film considering the recent weather disasters in Houston, Texas, Puerto Rico, and California.

Instead of going into the plot of the film more in depth, here is a list of events that actually happen in Geostorm:

  • A scientist aboard “Dutch Boy” is locked into a room that malfunctions and freezes to death before being carried away into space. The event is merely mentioned in passing by Max Lawson (Jim Sturgess) the next scene.
  • Eugenio Derbez, who plays a Mexican robotics expert aboard “Dutch Boy”, cracks a joke regarding the age of Gerard Butler’s character. Derbez is 56. Butler is 47.
  • A Smart Car outruns a volcanic earthquake in Hong Kong.
  • A satellite inside “Dutch Boy” being held on a crane “malfunctions” and attacks Gerrard Butler and his crew.
  • A character is killed by being pushed into a busy street in Washington D.C. This death is not investigated in any way, shape, or form to see who the culprit is.
  • A computer genius compares getting involved in the situation unfolding to getting on a roller coaster after eating Chipotle.
  • A giant blizzard freezes an ocean wave, people, birds, and an airplane in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. A model outruns it. Barefoot.
  • The Kremlin in Moscow, Russia experiences extreme heat in the form of a death-ray coming from the malfunctioning satellites.
  • Multiple tornadoes occur in India. A little boy, who has not been introduced until this point in the film, chases after his dog in the middle of it. We are supposed to feel sorry for him and the dog because cheap emotions.
  • A series of lightening strikes destroys a stadium. The only way to avoid the lightening strikes is by driving under a highway overpass.
  • A massive title wave attacks Dubai, and the first person to die is a man riding a camel in the desert. His reaction shot alone is almost worth the price of admission.
  • Gerard Butler drinks a Coors-Light at 11 in the morning. Because he’s Gerard freaking Butler.
Gerrar Butler in “Geostorm.”

If anything I have listed just now is considered a spoiler, I apologize. One must know what exactly they are getting themselves into when watching this film. In regards to the awful special effects that provide the spectacle, Geostorm delivers B-movie thrills that could be considered fun.

The problem with Geostorm, however, is the fact that the entire second act of the film is surprisingly dull. Instead of getting an over the top Gerard Butler vehicle, we get Jim Sturgess trying desperately to revive his career (*IN FREAKING GEOSTORM*) by speechifying and over-acting for seemingly an eternity. We’re used to seeing Gerard Butler movies get insanely stupid. Butler has made a career off such films like in 300, Gamer, Law Abiding Citizen, Olympus Has Fallen, London Has Fallen, and Gods of Egypt . For some reason, even though he is the leading man of the film, it feels like he’s hardly in it. Butler may be a poor man’s Jason Statham and an even poorer man’s Russell Crowe or a combination of the two, but he’s got enough charisma to carry a movie. It makes no sense that a movie like Geostorm, the perfect Gerard Butler vehicle, doesn’t have enough Gerard Butler in it.

Sure, Geostorm has its moments of fun, but they’re drowned out by a second act that goes on for too long and reveals that the film is actually taking itself seriously, a crippling mistake. Had Geostorm been a 90 minute senseless Gerard Butler vehicle where the absurdity of its premise had been taken full advantage of, Geostorm could have at least reached guilty pleasure status. Instead, it’s an uninspired rip-off of Armageddon and The Day After Tomorrow. Geostorm is a classic example of a Hollywood studio film gone horribly wrong. A project that should have never been green-lit, regardless of who was attached to star in it. The only positive outcome that could come out of Geostorm is it’s just stupid enough to leave President Donald Trump inspired by it to the point he starts taking global warming seriously.

Rating: 1/4 Stars. Stay Away.

Geostorm stars Gerard Butler, Jim Sturgess, Abbie Cornish, Ed Harris, Andy Garica, Richard Schiff, Robert Sheehan, Daniel Wu, Eugenio Derbez, and Zazie Beetz. It is in theaters October 20th.