Bro-Picks: NFL Week 10 Predictions

This is where the men separate themselves from the boys.

Week 10 of the NFL is coming at us fast, and at this point in the season, most teams know what direction they are heading in. That means there are opportunities for teams to separate themselves from others as true contenders, but there’s also just enough time left for teams who got off to slow starts to recover and make a push for the playoffs.

Last Week: 9-4

Overall: 77-55

Seattle Seahawks at Arizona Cardinals (Thursday Night Football)

The Seahawks defense embarrassed themselves last week allowing the Redskins to drive all the way down the field for the game winning touchdown with under two minutes remaining in the game. They’ll have a bounce back performance against the Drew Stanton led Cardinals.

Winner: Seahawks

Cincinnati Bengals at Tennessee Titans

The Titans were a popular pick to win the AFC South this year, but they haven’t lived up to expectations as a team taking the next step towards contention. Meanwhile, the Bengals are too busy having MMA matches involving star WR A.J. Green to focus on winning.

Winner: Titans

 

Cleveland Browns at Detroit Lions

Even with the 6-2 Vikings in their division, this is the perfect season for QB Matt Stafford to lead the Lions to an NFC North title considering Packers QB Aaron Rodgers is sidelined with a collar bone injury. They have to take care of business against the Browns, who recently reinstated former All-Pro WR Josh Gordon, who apparently was intoxicated in one form or another every game of his NFL career. That’s what playing for the Browns will do to someone.

Winner: Lions

 

Los Angeles Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars won without stud rookie RB Leonard Fournette last week, who was suspended by the team for missing the Jaguar’s team photo. That didn’t matter much, as the Jaguars defense held the Bengals to 7 points. While the Chargers have somewhat rebounded from their 0-4 start, it’s a tall order for them to travel across the country and beat a team that boasts one of the best defenses in the league.

Winner: Jaguars

 

New York Jets at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Buccaneers QB Jameis Winston won’t be tasting any “W’s” any time soon, as he’s out for a couple of weeks with a sprained shoulder. The Buccaneers will start Ryan Fitzpatrick at QB, who will want to enact revenge against his former team. This is the type of game the Jets need to win if they want to continue to avoid tanking,

Winner: Jets

 

Green Bay Packers at Chicago Bears

Packers head coach Mike McCarthy is going to be desposed in former NFL QB Colin Kaepernick’s case in which he is accusing the league of collusion. Kaepernick may not have documentation of this, but anyone looking at how terrible the Packers are starting QB Brett Hundley in place of the injured Aaron Rodgers has to start to wonder if Kaepernick’s kneeling during the National Anthem last year is the reason as to why he remains unsigned.

Winner: Bears

 

New Orleans Saints at Buffalo Bills

The Bills had a chance last week to show they’re for real, and then they laid an egg on Thursday Night Football against the Jets. The Bills have had a record of .500 or better after playing eight games eight times since 1999. They failed to reach the playoffs each of those times. That trend seems like it could continue with a rough second half schedule, starting with a revived Saints team this week.

Winner: Saints

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Colts

In immortal words of Nelly and Tim McGraw, “cause it’s all in my head.” That lyric best describes Colts QB Andrew Luck if you’re listening to Colts owner Jim Irsay and former Colts coach Tony Dungy. Do you think Luck wants to play for Irsay?

Winner: Steelers

 

Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins

The Redskins pulled off an impressive victory over the Seahawks in Seattle last week, and they could still make some noise in the NFC East. The Vikings will have a decision to make between QBs Case Keenum, Teddy Bridgewater, and Sam Bradford in regards to who their starter will be, but with a defense that allows 282 yards per game, it might not matter much.

Winner: Vikings

 

Houston Texans at Los Angeles Rams

Say it loud: THE RAMS ARE FOR REAL. They’ve scored 30 or more points 5 times this year, and they’re 5-0 in those games. It’s a shame Texans rookie sensation QB Deshaun Watson is out for the season with a torn ACL, as this could’ve been a match-up featuring two young and now promising QBs in him and Jared Goff.

Winner: Rams

 

Dallas Cowboys at Atlanta Falcons

The 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals on Thursday denied Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott’s appeal, meaning he will be suspended for at least this game against the Falcons. The Cowboys have a ferocious defensive line that will cause problems for the sputtering Falcons offense, and Cowboys QB Dak Prescott is more than capable without his troubled star RB.

Winner: Cowboys

 

New York Giants at San Francisco 49ers

The Giants are awful, and coach Ben McAdoo has supposedly lost the locker room with his constant player fines, throwing players under the bus, and tough practices. This is one of the few games remaining on the 49ers schedule they could win, but the 49ers are 0-9 for a reason, and 0-16 remains a real possibility.

Winner: Giants

 

New England Patriots at Denver Broncos (Sunday Night Football)

Including the postseason, Patriots QB Tom Brady is 7-9 in his career against the Broncos. Fortunately for him, the Broncos offense can’t function to save their lives this season. They will trot out QB Brock Osweiler for the second straight week, and if you take Broncos head coach Vance Joseph’s word for it, Osweiler gives the Broncos confidence. Did he watch the beating his team took in Philadelphia last week?

Winner: Patriots

 

Miami Dolphins at Carolina Panthers (Monday Night Football)

People keep doubting the Panthers this season for some odd reason. It could be because Panthers QB Cam Newton compared his team to the Titanic when asked about the team trading away WR Kelvin Benjamin. If he wanted to use the Titanic metaphor correctly, he would’ve used it to describe the Dolphins’ playoff chances, as it’s a miracle this team is 4-4 despite being one of the worst ranked offenses in the league. QB Jay Cutler probably should’ve stayed retired.

Winner: Panthers

 

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Bro-Picks: NFL Week 4 Predictions

Playmakers. Protests. Picks.

Week 3 in the NFL was high-jacked by players protesting President Donald Trump’s remarks regarding players kneeling during the National Anthem, calling them “sons of b******” and saying they should be fired. NFL players reacted to these immature, incendiary remarks by either staying in the locker room, locking arms, kneeling, or some combination of the three during the playing of the National Anthem. These protests and signals of unity led to what might have been the most upset riddled week of the NFL thus far, leading to many having awful weeks predicting the week 3 match-ups.

Just for a recap: The Jaguars embarrassed the Ravens, the Bears conquered the Steelers, the Saints blew out the Panthers, the Titans vanquished the Seahawks, the Redskins beat down the Raiders, the Vikings pulverized the Buccaneers (*with Case Keenum as their QB*), the Bills subdued the Broncos, the Packers needed overtime to beat the Bengals, and the Jets trounced the Dolphins. Let all of that sink in.

Last Week: 5-11

Overall: 26-21

Lock of the Week: Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (Thursday Night Football)

The Bears are better than we expected. While Bears fans should be happy that it won’t be Jay Cutler suiting up against the Packers, Mike Glennon is not much of an upgrade.

Lock of the Week Winner: Green Bay

New Orleans Saints at Miami Dolphins

The Saints may have started 0-2 for the fourth straight season, but they always start slow because Drew Brees is old. Like any other old person, they take a while to get warmed up, then hit their stride, and then collapse. We’re somewhere in between the first two steps of that process with Brees and the Saints, and the Dolphins lost to the Jets. Let me repeat that. THE DOLPHINS LOST TO THE JETS.

Winner: Saints

Buffalo Bills at Atlanta Falcons

Atlanta could very easily be 1-2 right now, as they’ve been outplayed two out of the first three weeks, including weaseling their way to a win last week against Detroit. Nevertheless, the Falcons are 3-0, and while they’ll struggle against a tough Bills defense, it may be time to re-think the whole notion of the “Super Bowl hangover”.

Winner: Falcons

Pittsburgh Steelers at Baltimore Ravens

Both teams suffered uncharacteristic losses against lesser competition last week. If you thought this rivalry couldn’t get any more heated than it already is, first place is on the line this week.

Winner: Steelers

Cincinnati Bengals at Cleveland Browns

The Battle of Ohio? More like the battle of Oh why no.

Winner: Bengals

Los Angeles Rams at Dallas Cowboys

Don’t drink the Rams Kool aide just because they’re first in the league in points per game. Their two wins have come against the Andrew Luck-less Colts and the 49ers. Hardly the Super Bowl contending, knee-bending, anthem standing Dallas Cowboys.

Winner: Cowboys

Tennessee Titans at Houston Texans

The Titans look like the real deal after dominating Seattle, but the Texans looked explosive with DeShaun Watson at the helm against the Patriots. This is a true AFC South Smackdown.

Winner: Texans

Detroit Lions at Minnesota Vikings

Let’s recap Detroit’s game last week. WR Golden Tate appeared to have caught a pass and crossed the goal line to put the Lions ahead of the Falcons with 8 seconds left in the 4th quarter. The referees decided to review the play, and reversed the call by saying he was down before scoring. Then, by NFL rule, a 10 second run off had to occur because it was a scoring play review under 2 minutes, costing them the game. You think Detroit is mad about that?

Winner: Lions

Carolina Panthers at New England Patriots

The Patriots defense is really bad, but QB Tom Brady is quite possibly the G.O.A.T., which is more than enough to make up for their lack of defense. The Panthers will want to rebound from being beat-down against the Saints, but Panthers QB Cam Newton threw for a measly 167 yards and 3 interceptions against a woeful Saints defense.

Winner: Patriots

Jacksonville Jaguars at New York Jets

This is a game where you could flip a coin and decide the winner. Even then you can’t be sure which version of these teams, good or bad, will show up come Sunday.

Winner: Jets

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals

Cardinals QB Carson Palmer can’t move anymore, and WR Larry Fitzgerald, who has plenty left in the tank, is handicapped by his immobile QB. But the 49ers allowed Jared Goff to hang 41 points on them, so there’s a beacon of hope this week for the birds of the desert.

Winner: Cardinals

Philadelphia Eagles at Los Angeles Chargers

The Eagles had a huge week 1 win against an NFC East rival. They followed that up with a loss on the road against an AFC West opponent. The Eagles won in dramatic fashion last week thanks to a 61-yard field goal against an NFC East rival. This week, they go on the road to face an AFC West opponent. Notice a pattern?

Winner: Chargers

New York Giants at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Giants offense showed signs of life last week against the Eagles, but walked off the field without a win. The Buccaneers came out flat against the Vikings last week, and Buccaneers WR Mike Evans threw a temper tantrum because of that. The Giants are more desperate than the Buccaneers, but if they don’t win this week, it might be time for a change in New York.

Winner: Giants

Oakland Raiders at Denver Broncos

The Raiders got punched in the mouth against the Redskins on Sunday Night Football in front of a national audience. The Broncos, who are coming off a poor showing in Buffalo against the Bills, must’ve been salivating at what they saw. If he plays, Raiders WR Michael Crabtree may want to hide his gold chain from Broncos CB Aqib Talib.

Winner: Broncos

Indianapolis Colts at Seattle Seahawks (Sunday Night Football)

Is it too early to start flexing games for Sunday Night Football?

Winner: Seahawks

Upset of the Week: Washington Redskins at Kansas City Chiefs (Monday Night Football)

The Chiefs look like the team to beat in the NFL right now, but the Redskins looked dominant against a good Raiders team. It’s another nationally televised game for the Redskins, and they’re going to want to show they can hang with the best the NFL has to offer for the second week in a row.

Upset of the Week Winner: Redskins

Bro-Picks: NFL Week 3 Predictions

Week 3 holds the key.

Week 2 of the NFL season didn’t provide very many surprises, but there were some keen observations to be made.

  • For everyone who thought the sky was falling after the New England Patriot’s Week 1 loss at home, don’t you feel silly now? QB Tom Brady dominated a porous New Orleans Saints defense, throwing for 447 yards and 3 touchdowns. Tom Brady is fine, and the Patriots will be fine.

  • The NFL might regret letting the owners run rampant the last two off-seasons and allowing the Rams and Chargers to move to Los Angeles. There was at least some buzz surrounding the Ram’s move, but the Chargers have been largely unwanted. Neither team has drawn a consistently big crowd since their arrival, and their combined attendance of 81,993 (56,612 for the Rams,  25,381 for the Chargers) still didn’t match the attendance of 84,714 for the Texas vs. USC college football game at the LA Coliseum. Ouch.

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  • This is something you just won’t get in Las Vegas once the Raiders move there…

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Last Week: 12-4

Overall: 21-10

Los Angeles Rams at San Francisco 49ers (Thursday Night Football)

The Rams look like an actual team now that Sean McVay is coaching the offense up. QB Jared Goff may not be setting the world ablaze with his passing ability, but he’s done more than 49ers QB Brian Hoyer, who threw for an embarrassing 99 yards against Seattle. Another Thursday Night Football clunker.

Winner: Rams

 

Baltimore Ravens at Jacksonville Jaguars (in London)

Another god forsaken aspect of the NFL are the games played in London. Most of the time they suck, and anytime London’s “best” football team, the Jacksonville Jaguars are involved, you know it’s about time the NFL rethink playing these overseas games. No wonder it’s being streamed for free on Yahoo, who would would actually want to turn on their television to watch this atrocity?

Winner: Ravens

 

Denver Broncos at Buffalo Bills

The Broncos made the Cowboys quit last week, and QB Trevor Siemian has looked like John Elway 2.0 through the first two weeks. They face a tough Buffalo Bills defense in week 3, and they’ll bruise and batter the Broncos but won’t have enough offensive firepower to overcome the Broncos vaunted defense.

Winner: Broncos

 

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers

Coming off of off-season shoulder surgery, Panthers QB Cam Newton has looked rusty thus far. Losing his favorite target, TE Greg Olsen, won’t help, but the New Orleans Saints couldn’t stop a nosebleed.

Winner: Panthers

 

Pittsburgh Steelers at Chicago Bears

The Bears are already in hibernation, and the outcry of Bears fans to throw in rookie QB Mitch Trubisky makes no sense. Do you want your potential franchise QB to get killed and lose confidence?

Winner: Steelers

 

Upset of the Week: Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions

This is a “prove it” game for the Lions. Their offense has looked impressive so far behind QB Matt Stafford, and if DE Ziggy Ansah can get to the QB like he did against the Giants (*3 sacks*), the Lions may be for real. The Falcons have yet to display signs of a “Super Bowl Hangover”, but those signs will show come Sunday afternoon.

Upset of the Week Winner: Lions

 

Cleveland Browns at Indianapolis Colts

*Please rise for a moment of silence for all of those stuck watching this game on their local television stations and don’t have NFL Sunday Ticket.*

Winner: Browns

 

Houston Texans at New England Patriots

Texans rookie QB DeShaun Watson looked about as good as once can expect for a rookie starting his first NFL game on a short week. His rushing touchdown against the Bengals was Michael Vick-esque, but starting off his career with back to back road starts won’t boost his confidence, especially behind an offensive line that could really use holdout LT Duane Brown about now.

Winner : Patriots

 

Miami Dolphins at New York Jets

It’s beyond tempting to take the New York Jets here. The Dolphins are riding high after a win against the Chargers, and Dolphins QB “Smokin” Jay Cutler is due for an awful performance. But remember, J. E. T. S. spells lose.

Winner: Dolphins

 

New York Giants at Philadelphia Eagles

The Giants are a mess offensively, and QB Eli Manning and head coach Ben McAdoo don’t seem to be getting along. The Eagles put up a valiant effort against the Chiefs at Arrowhead Stadium last week and as of now look like the team to beat in the NFC East, but the Giants defense will do just enough to stop the presses in New York for a day.

Winner: Giants

 

Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans

The Titans resembled the team many picked to rise up and become a playoff contender in their 37-16 drubbing of the Jaguars last week, but they’re still not ready for prime time. Yes, the Seahawks have more holes in their offensive lines than Swiss cheese at the moment, but their defense will step-in and lay down the boom in Nashville.

Winner: Seahawks

 

Lock of the Week: Cincinnati Bengals at Green Bay Packers

I like Marvin Lewis. But the number of times this man has failed to deliver a true contender in his tenure as head coach has finally taken its toll. Bengals fans are crying for the team to start QB AJ McCarron over QB Andy Dalton, but will that really help matters? The Packers have no QB problems, they have Aaron Rodgers. ‘Nuff said.

Lock of the Week Winner: Packers

 

Kansas City Chiefs at Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers can’t even sell out their 27,000 seat soccer stadium. The Chargers can’t win close games. Does any of this bode well for them as they prepare to play a team who looks like a Super Bowl contender?

Winner: Chiefs

 

Oakland Raiders at Washington Redskins (Sunday Night Football)

After throwing a block party with 60,000 of his closest friends, Raiders RB Marshawn Lynch has the Raiders buzzing again. They ride into the nation’s capital against a Redskins team with a talented offense led by QB Kirk (*or Kurt?*) Cousins, and will be the first test for the Raiders’ questionable defense.

Winner: Raiders

 

Dallas Cowboys at Arizona Cardinals (Monday Night Football)

What used to be a classic NFC East beat down from 1970 until 2002, the Cowboys and Cardinals meet in a compelling Monday Night Football showdown in the desert. While the Cowboys are young and talented, they’re coming off of their most embarrassing loss of the QB Dak Prescott and Rb Ezekiel Elliott era. The Cardinals may be coming off a win, but they struggled mightily against the Andrew Luck-less Colts. This game could either save or sink either teams’ seasons.

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Winner: Cowboys

Bro-Picks: NFL Week 2 Predictions

Are you ready for some (*week 2*) football?

Week 1 of the 2017 NFL season provided a couple of surprises, namely the New England Patriots looking vulnerable and the Jacksonville Jaguars looking like the 1985 Chicago Bears. It’s only the first game mind you, but that doesn’t mean week 2 of the NFL season won’t have its fair share of tricks up its sleeve.

Last Week: 9-6

Overall: 9-6

Houston Texans at Cincinnati Bengals (Thursday Night Football)

Thursday Night Football, otherwise known as the plague of the earth, makes its unwanted return this week. This week’s snoozer features two teams known as “the kings of almost”, the Bengals and the Texans. Bengals QB Andy Dalton threw 4 interceptions last week, and Texans head coach Bill O’Brien pulled QB Tom Savage in favor of rookie QB DeShaun Watson since Savage is as mobile as a tree stump. Watson will lead the Texans to victory, and questions regarding if Dalton is the answer at QB for the Bengals will be asked more frequently.

Winner: Texans

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens

Had it not been for a blocked punt on their first possession, the Browns might have actually taken down the Steelers last Week. Browns QB DeShone Kizer looked poised considering it was his first career start, while Ravens QB Joe Flacco threw for a measly 171 yards. The Ravens defense is for real, but the Browns will show signs they are a much improved team in defeat.

Winner: Ravens

Buffalo Bills at Carolina Panthers

Bills head coach Sean McDermott faces off against his old team this week, and he’ll really want this win. Despite tossing 2 touchdowns last week, Panthers QB Cam Netwon looked rusty. Facing a tough Bills defense won’t help knock off the rust any faster, but the Bills played the equivalent of a college football team last week against the Jets. Sean McDermott is in for a real test this week.

Winner: Panthers

Arizona Cardinals at Indianapolis Colts

Cardinals RB David Johnson is out 2-3 months due to a wrist injury, not only crushing the hopes and dreams of his fantasy football owners, but also the Cardinal’s chances at contention. QB Carson Palmer looked like 38 year-old QB last week in a loss at the Lions, but they face a Colts team whose QB options are Jacoby Brissett and Scott ‘pick 6’ Tolzien. Maybe the Colts should give Colin Kaepernick a call…

Winner: Cardinals

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars stunned many by crushing the Texans last week. Their defense looked Super Bowl worthy, collecting 10 sacks, and rookie RB Leonard Fournette looks like the real deal. The Titans came out flat against the Raiders last week, but the Jaguars will come crashing down to earth because Blake Bortles is their starting QB. Hey, did Colin Kaepernick take the Colts’ call?

Winner: Titans

Upset of the Week: Philadelphia Eagles at Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs dominated the 4th quarter last week against the defending Super Bowl champion Patriots, and Alex Smith finally discovered the power of throwing the ball down the field after 13 years. Eagles QB Carson Wentz knows of this power, and threw for 307 yards and 2 TDs last week against the Redskins. Without All-Pro S Eric Berry, the Chiefs could be exploited by Wentz.

Upset of the Week Winner: Eagles

New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints

There isn’t enough crow to go around for all the dopes who picked the Patriots to go 19-0 this season. Father time looked like it finally caught up to QB Tom Brady, and the Patriot’s defense looked awful. Luckily, they play the Saints, who also have a near 40 year-old QB in Drew Brees, an even worse defense, and a has been RB in Adrian Peterson who has already started bickering with overrated Saints coach Sean Payton. Not a recipe for success.

Winner: Patriots

Minnesota Vikings at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers were a blocked punt away from losing to the lowly Browns, and were rescued by Facebook Live’s favorite user, WR Antonio Brown, who had 11 receptions for 182 yards last week. The Vikings looked tremendous last week, as QB Sam Bradford finally played like the number one overall pick. This is going to be a slugfest.

Winner: Steelers

Chicago Bears at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bears looked better than advertised last week against the NFC champion Falcons. Bears rookie QB Mitch(*ell?*) Trubisky may have to wait a little longer behind current starter Mike Glennon. The Buccaneers on the other hand no thanks to the bumbling NFL begin their stretch of playing 16 straight games due to Hurricane Irma cancelling their week 1 match-up. Buccaneers QB Jameis Winston, who replaced Glennon, will get the better of his former teammate.

Winner: Buccaneers

Miami Dolphins at Los Angeles Chargers

The Dolphins also begin their stretch of playing 16 straight games because of the amazing incompetency of the NFL and Hurricane Irma. Thankfully, they’re playing the Chargers, who will have their home opener in a soccer stadium and find more creative ways to lose, while referees won’t remember which city they play in. By the way, how does being the RB coach of the Bills and a Rex Ryan protégé earn you a head coaching job again?

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Winner: Dolphins

Lock of the Week: New York Jets at Oakland Raiders

The Jets are tanking. The Raiders are Super Bowl contenders.

Lock of the Week Winner: Raiders

Dallas Cowboys at Denver Broncos

The Broncos were in control for much of their game against the Chargers, but needed a freeze the kicker timeout and a blocked field goal to win. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good, but QB Dak Prescott and the Dallas Cowboys both lucky that RB Ezekiel Elliott isn’t suspended (*yet*) and are really good.

Winner: Cowboys

Washington Redskins at Los Angeles Rams

Rams head coach Sean McVay had an impressive debut against the woeful Colts, and *gasp*, QB Jared Goff actually looked halfway competent. McVay will get a chance to stick it to his old team this week, and Redskins QB Kirk (*or is it Kurt?*) Cousins won’t like that.

Winner: Redskins

BONUS Lock of the Week: San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks

Including the playoffs, the 49ers have lost to the Seahawks 7 straight times. The last time they won in Seattle at Century Link Field, Tarvaris Jackson started at QB for the Seahawks. The 49ers looked awful last week, and the Seahawks will want to beat up on the 49ers after looking impotent against the Packers in week 1.

BONUS Lock of the Week Winner: Seahawks

Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons (Sunday Night Football)

In a rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game, the Falcon’s Super Bowl Hangover will officially take over. The Packers haven’t been known for their defense the last couple of seasons, but if they play half as well as they did against the Seahawks in week 1, QB Matt Ryan and the Falcons may be in for a long night.

Winner: Packers

Detroit Lions at New York Giants (Monday Night Football)

While the Lion’s offense looked explosive last week, the Giants offense was muted without WR Odell Beckham Jr. There is such a thing as a must win game in week 2, and this is a must win game for the Giants if they want to avoid their season going off the rails before it even starts. And by the way, the new “Are You Ready For Some Football?” theme doesn’t need Florida Georgia Line and Jason Derulo. Let ol’ redneck Hank Williams Jr. have the stage all to himself before he makes another ill-advised political comment.

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Winner: Giants

 

Bro-Picks: NFL Week 1 Predictions

The road to Super Bowl LII begins.

Every journey to a championship begins somewhere, and in the NFL, that genesis is in Week 1. Your week 1 winners of the NFL will be:

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (Thursday Night Football)

If you think the Patriots are going to lose on the night they raise their fifth championship banner at home, you don’t know football. There’s a better chance of Chiefs head coach Andy Reid miraculously learning clock management after being a head coach for nearly 20 years.

Winner: Patriots

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills

The battle of New York kicks off what will be a rebuilding year for the Bills. But look on the bright side Buffalo, at least you’re not the Jets.

Winner: Bills

Atlanta Falcons at Chicago Bears

The Falcons’ Super Bowl hangover will experience some relief with a week 1 match-up against the Bears. The Bears may go into hibernation early considering their first eight games are against the Falcons, the Buccaneers, the Steelers, the Packers, the Vikings, the Ravens, the Panthers, and the Saints.

Winner: Falcons

Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals

While the debate over whether or not Ravens QB Joe Flacco is elite will rage on, it’s the Ravens lack of offensive talent that will be muted against a talented but undisciplined Bengals defense. Bengals QB Andy Dalton is elite when it’s not November or December.

Winner: Bengals

Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

The Steelers Browns rivalry can be summed up in one photo… NFL: Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers

Lock of the Week Winner: Steelers

Arizona Cardinals at Detroit Lions

One of the more interesting match-ups of week 1 features two snakebit franchises who can’t seem to get out of their own way despite the talent surrounding them. QB Matthew Stafford of the Lions will rise above the snakebit nature of the Lions, mainly because Cardinals QB Carson Palmer is too old to rise above anything at this stage of his career.

Winner : Lions

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

Texans starting QB Tom Savage has yet to throw a touchdown pass in his career. Jaguars QB Blake Bortles has thrown 11 pick-sixes in his career, and he’ll throw another one Week 1 to once again have more pick-sixes than career wins.

Winner: Texans

Oakland Raiders at Tennessee Titans

Two teams with no defenses of note will engage in an old fashioned shoot-out in the South. The combination of QB Derek Carr, WR Amari Cooper, WR Michael Crabtree, and TE Jared Cook, otherwise known as C4, will explode their way to a week 1 victory.

Winner: Raiders

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins

QB Carson Wentz of the Eagles has some new toys to help avoid the dreaded sophomore slump after showing promise in his rookie season. Meanwhile, the Redskins still don’t know if their QB’s name is pronounced Kirk or Kurt.

Winner: Eagles

Upset of the Week: Indianapolis Colts at Los Angeles Rams

When your starting QBs for the game are Scott Tolzien and Jared Goff, you know you’re in for a long day of unwatchable football.

Upset of the Week Winner: Colts

Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers

In what could be an NFC Championship game preview, it’s the Packers who will moan and complain about having to face a tough opponent Week 1. Even with a patch-work offensive line, QB Russell Wilson will hand the ball off to overweight RB Eddie Lacy for the game winning touchdown to stick it to his old team.

Winner: Seahawks

Carolina Panthers at San Francisco 49ers

Panthers QB Cam Newton will make a triumphant return to his 2015 MVP form in a dominant and dabtacular performance over the 49ers. 49ers QB Brian Hoyer “The Destroyer” will destroy the hopes and dreams of 49ers fans everywhere that their team will at least be competitive with a stat-line that will rival the awfulness of his performance against the Kansas City Chiefs in the Wild Card round back in January of 2016.

Winner: Panthers

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (Sunday Night Football)

Carrie Underwood (*I still miss Faith Hill*), the New York Football Giants, and America’s Team: The Dallas Cowboys. If that doesn’t spell Sunday Night Football, I don’t know what does. While all eyes will be on suspended Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott, it’s Giants QB Eli Manning who will make the Cowboys fans packed in Jerryworld seeing stars.

Winner: Giants

New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (Monday Night Football)

Newly acquired Saints RB Adrian Peterson will make his return to Minnesota Monday Night, but there’s no guarantee he’ll see the field since the Saints’ defense can’t stop a nose bleed.

Winner: Vikings

Los Angeles Chargers at Denver Broncos (Monday Night Football)

The Monday Night Football B-game will be called by Rex Ryan (*disaster looms*). The Chargers defense is for real, but using the reasoning of they’ve been unlucky the last two season as the reason why they will be better is fundamentally flawed. Plus, the Broncos have Von Miller, who’s really, really, ridiculously good.

Winner: Broncos