Bro-Picks: NFL Week 2 Predictions

Are you ready for some (*week 2*) football?

Week 1 of the 2017 NFL season provided a couple of surprises, namely the New England Patriots looking vulnerable and the Jacksonville Jaguars looking like the 1985 Chicago Bears. It’s only the first game mind you, but that doesn’t mean week 2 of the NFL season won’t have its fair share of tricks up its sleeve.

Last Week: 9-6

Overall: 9-6

Houston Texans at Cincinnati Bengals (Thursday Night Football)

Thursday Night Football, otherwise known as the plague of the earth, makes its unwanted return this week. This week’s snoozer features two teams known as “the kings of almost”, the Bengals and the Texans. Bengals QB Andy Dalton threw 4 interceptions last week, and Texans head coach Bill O’Brien pulled QB Tom Savage in favor of rookie QB DeShaun Watson since Savage is as mobile as a tree stump. Watson will lead the Texans to victory, and questions regarding if Dalton is the answer at QB for the Bengals will be asked more frequently.

Winner: Texans

Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens

Had it not been for a blocked punt on their first possession, the Browns might have actually taken down the Steelers last Week. Browns QB DeShone Kizer looked poised considering it was his first career start, while Ravens QB Joe Flacco threw for a measly 171 yards. The Ravens defense is for real, but the Browns will show signs they are a much improved team in defeat.

Winner: Ravens

Buffalo Bills at Carolina Panthers

Bills head coach Sean McDermott faces off against his old team this week, and he’ll really want this win. Despite tossing 2 touchdowns last week, Panthers QB Cam Netwon looked rusty. Facing a tough Bills defense won’t help knock off the rust any faster, but the Bills played the equivalent of a college football team last week against the Jets. Sean McDermott is in for a real test this week.

Winner: Panthers

Arizona Cardinals at Indianapolis Colts

Cardinals RB David Johnson is out 2-3 months due to a wrist injury, not only crushing the hopes and dreams of his fantasy football owners, but also the Cardinal’s chances at contention. QB Carson Palmer looked like 38 year-old QB last week in a loss at the Lions, but they face a Colts team whose QB options are Jacoby Brissett and Scott ‘pick 6’ Tolzien. Maybe the Colts should give Colin Kaepernick a call…

Winner: Cardinals

Tennessee Titans at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars stunned many by crushing the Texans last week. Their defense looked Super Bowl worthy, collecting 10 sacks, and rookie RB Leonard Fournette looks like the real deal. The Titans came out flat against the Raiders last week, but the Jaguars will come crashing down to earth because Blake Bortles is their starting QB. Hey, did Colin Kaepernick take the Colts’ call?

Winner: Titans

Upset of the Week: Philadelphia Eagles at Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs dominated the 4th quarter last week against the defending Super Bowl champion Patriots, and Alex Smith finally discovered the power of throwing the ball down the field after 13 years. Eagles QB Carson Wentz knows of this power, and threw for 307 yards and 2 TDs last week against the Redskins. Without All-Pro S Eric Berry, the Chiefs could be exploited by Wentz.

Upset of the Week Winner: Eagles

New England Patriots at New Orleans Saints

There isn’t enough crow to go around for all the dopes who picked the Patriots to go 19-0 this season. Father time looked like it finally caught up to QB Tom Brady, and the Patriot’s defense looked awful. Luckily, they play the Saints, who also have a near 40 year-old QB in Drew Brees, an even worse defense, and a has been RB in Adrian Peterson who has already started bickering with overrated Saints coach Sean Payton. Not a recipe for success.

Winner: Patriots

Minnesota Vikings at Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers were a blocked punt away from losing to the lowly Browns, and were rescued by Facebook Live’s favorite user, WR Antonio Brown, who had 11 receptions for 182 yards last week. The Vikings looked tremendous last week, as QB Sam Bradford finally played like the number one overall pick. This is going to be a slugfest.

Winner: Steelers

Chicago Bears at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bears looked better than advertised last week against the NFC champion Falcons. Bears rookie QB Mitch(*ell?*) Trubisky may have to wait a little longer behind current starter Mike Glennon. The Buccaneers on the other hand no thanks to the bumbling NFL begin their stretch of playing 16 straight games due to Hurricane Irma cancelling their week 1 match-up. Buccaneers QB Jameis Winston, who replaced Glennon, will get the better of his former teammate.

Winner: Buccaneers

Miami Dolphins at Los Angeles Chargers

The Dolphins also begin their stretch of playing 16 straight games because of the amazing incompetency of the NFL and Hurricane Irma. Thankfully, they’re playing the Chargers, who will have their home opener in a soccer stadium and find more creative ways to lose, while referees won’t remember which city they play in. By the way, how does being the RB coach of the Bills and a Rex Ryan protégé earn you a head coaching job again?

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Winner: Dolphins

Lock of the Week: New York Jets at Oakland Raiders

The Jets are tanking. The Raiders are Super Bowl contenders.

Lock of the Week Winner: Raiders

Dallas Cowboys at Denver Broncos

The Broncos were in control for much of their game against the Chargers, but needed a freeze the kicker timeout and a blocked field goal to win. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good, but QB Dak Prescott and the Dallas Cowboys both lucky that RB Ezekiel Elliott isn’t suspended (*yet*) and are really good.

Winner: Cowboys

Washington Redskins at Los Angeles Rams

Rams head coach Sean McVay had an impressive debut against the woeful Colts, and *gasp*, QB Jared Goff actually looked halfway competent. McVay will get a chance to stick it to his old team this week, and Redskins QB Kirk (*or is it Kurt?*) Cousins won’t like that.

Winner: Redskins

BONUS Lock of the Week: San Francisco 49ers at Seattle Seahawks

Including the playoffs, the 49ers have lost to the Seahawks 7 straight times. The last time they won in Seattle at Century Link Field, Tarvaris Jackson started at QB for the Seahawks. The 49ers looked awful last week, and the Seahawks will want to beat up on the 49ers after looking impotent against the Packers in week 1.

BONUS Lock of the Week Winner: Seahawks

Green Bay Packers at Atlanta Falcons (Sunday Night Football)

In a rematch of last year’s NFC Championship game, the Falcon’s Super Bowl Hangover will officially take over. The Packers haven’t been known for their defense the last couple of seasons, but if they play half as well as they did against the Seahawks in week 1, QB Matt Ryan and the Falcons may be in for a long night.

Winner: Packers

Detroit Lions at New York Giants (Monday Night Football)

While the Lion’s offense looked explosive last week, the Giants offense was muted without WR Odell Beckham Jr. There is such a thing as a must win game in week 2, and this is a must win game for the Giants if they want to avoid their season going off the rails before it even starts. And by the way, the new “Are You Ready For Some Football?” theme doesn’t need Florida Georgia Line and Jason Derulo. Let ol’ redneck Hank Williams Jr. have the stage all to himself before he makes another ill-advised political comment.

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Winner: Giants

 

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Bro-Picks: NFL Week 1 Predictions

The road to Super Bowl LII begins.

Every journey to a championship begins somewhere, and in the NFL, that genesis is in Week 1. Your week 1 winners of the NFL will be:

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots (Thursday Night Football)

If you think the Patriots are going to lose on the night they raise their fifth championship banner at home, you don’t know football. There’s a better chance of Chiefs head coach Andy Reid miraculously learning clock management after being a head coach for nearly 20 years.

Winner: Patriots

New York Jets at Buffalo Bills

The battle of New York kicks off what will be a rebuilding year for the Bills. But look on the bright side Buffalo, at least you’re not the Jets.

Winner: Bills

Atlanta Falcons at Chicago Bears

The Falcons’ Super Bowl hangover will experience some relief with a week 1 match-up against the Bears. The Bears may go into hibernation early considering their first eight games are against the Falcons, the Buccaneers, the Steelers, the Packers, the Vikings, the Ravens, the Panthers, and the Saints.

Winner: Falcons

Baltimore Ravens at Cincinnati Bengals

While the debate over whether or not Ravens QB Joe Flacco is elite will rage on, it’s the Ravens lack of offensive talent that will be muted against a talented but undisciplined Bengals defense. Bengals QB Andy Dalton is elite when it’s not November or December.

Winner: Bengals

Lock of the Week: Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

The Steelers Browns rivalry can be summed up in one photo… NFL: Cleveland Browns at Pittsburgh Steelers

Lock of the Week Winner: Steelers

Arizona Cardinals at Detroit Lions

One of the more interesting match-ups of week 1 features two snakebit franchises who can’t seem to get out of their own way despite the talent surrounding them. QB Matthew Stafford of the Lions will rise above the snakebit nature of the Lions, mainly because Cardinals QB Carson Palmer is too old to rise above anything at this stage of his career.

Winner : Lions

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

Texans starting QB Tom Savage has yet to throw a touchdown pass in his career. Jaguars QB Blake Bortles has thrown 11 pick-sixes in his career, and he’ll throw another one Week 1 to once again have more pick-sixes than career wins.

Winner: Texans

Oakland Raiders at Tennessee Titans

Two teams with no defenses of note will engage in an old fashioned shoot-out in the South. The combination of QB Derek Carr, WR Amari Cooper, WR Michael Crabtree, and TE Jared Cook, otherwise known as C4, will explode their way to a week 1 victory.

Winner: Raiders

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins

QB Carson Wentz of the Eagles has some new toys to help avoid the dreaded sophomore slump after showing promise in his rookie season. Meanwhile, the Redskins still don’t know if their QB’s name is pronounced Kirk or Kurt.

Winner: Eagles

Upset of the Week: Indianapolis Colts at Los Angeles Rams

When your starting QBs for the game are Scott Tolzien and Jared Goff, you know you’re in for a long day of unwatchable football.

Upset of the Week Winner: Colts

Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers

In what could be an NFC Championship game preview, it’s the Packers who will moan and complain about having to face a tough opponent Week 1. Even with a patch-work offensive line, QB Russell Wilson will hand the ball off to overweight RB Eddie Lacy for the game winning touchdown to stick it to his old team.

Winner: Seahawks

Carolina Panthers at San Francisco 49ers

Panthers QB Cam Newton will make a triumphant return to his 2015 MVP form in a dominant and dabtacular performance over the 49ers. 49ers QB Brian Hoyer “The Destroyer” will destroy the hopes and dreams of 49ers fans everywhere that their team will at least be competitive with a stat-line that will rival the awfulness of his performance against the Kansas City Chiefs in the Wild Card round back in January of 2016.

Winner: Panthers

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys (Sunday Night Football)

Carrie Underwood (*I still miss Faith Hill*), the New York Football Giants, and America’s Team: The Dallas Cowboys. If that doesn’t spell Sunday Night Football, I don’t know what does. While all eyes will be on suspended Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott, it’s Giants QB Eli Manning who will make the Cowboys fans packed in Jerryworld seeing stars.

Winner: Giants

New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings (Monday Night Football)

Newly acquired Saints RB Adrian Peterson will make his return to Minnesota Monday Night, but there’s no guarantee he’ll see the field since the Saints’ defense can’t stop a nose bleed.

Winner: Vikings

Los Angeles Chargers at Denver Broncos (Monday Night Football)

The Monday Night Football B-game will be called by Rex Ryan (*disaster looms*). The Chargers defense is for real, but using the reasoning of they’ve been unlucky the last two season as the reason why they will be better is fundamentally flawed. Plus, the Broncos have Von Miller, who’s really, really, ridiculously good.

Winner: Broncos

 

 

 

2017 NFL Season Preview

Football is back.

The NFL season is upon us. Every year fans get a newfound sense of hope. The hope that their favorite team may rise up and raise the Lombardi trophy as Super Bowl champions. While some teams are closer to accomplishing this goal than others, it’s time to separate the contenders from the pretenders and predict the 2017 NFL Season.

AFC North

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1. Pittsburgh Steelers 12-4

2. Cincinnati Bengals 8-8

3. Baltimore Ravens 7-9

4. Cleveland Browns 4-12

The Steelers are by and far the best team in this division, and their schedule will allow them to rack-up wins this season. The Bengals will be average, the Ravens don’t have enough offensive talent to be a contender, and Browns QB DeShone Kizer will showcase his talent whilst running for his life.

 

AFC East

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1. New England Patriots 13-3

2. Miami Dolphins 7-9

3. Buffalo Bills 6-10

4. New York Jets 2-14

It’s Tom Brady’s world. Every other team is just happy to be considered an NFL team in the AFC East. Jay Cutler won’t move the needle with the Dolphins, the Bills are rebuilding, and the Jets look like they could be one of the worst teams in a long time by tanking this season.

 

AFC South

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1. Houston Texans 9-7

2. Tennessee Titans 9-7

3. Indianapolis Colts 6-10

4. Jacksonville Jaguars 3-13

Defense wins championships. Houston still has one of the best defenses in football, and rookie QB DeShaun Watson will be the starter for the Texans come the end of the season. The Titans are building something special in Nashville, the Colts will be lost without QB Andrew Luck, and the Jaguars are starting QB Blake Bortles because QB Chad Henne is the alternative. (*cough Colin Kaepernick*)

 

AFC West

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1. Oakland Raiders 10-6

2. Kansas City Chiefs 9-7

3. Denver Broncos 7-9

4. Los Angeles Chargers 6-10

The Raiders’ offense will carry this team to a division title, but the back seven of the defense seems to have regressed. The Chiefs will eventually start rookie QB Patrick Mahomes, the Broncos lack of offensive firepower will be mitigated by their stellar defense, and the Chargers play in a soccer stadium.

NFC North

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1. Green Bay Packers 10-6

2. Detroit Lions 8-8

3. Minnesota Vikings 7-9

4. Chicago Bears 3-13

The Packers have Aaron Rodgers. The Lions have Matthew Stafford. The Vikings have Sam Bradford. The Bears have Mike Glennon and Mitchell Trubisky. The quarterback situations for each team in this division tell you all you need to know.

 

NFC East

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1. Dallas Cowboys 11-5

2. New York Giants 10-6

3. Philadelphia Eagles 9-7

4. Washington Redskins 6-10

QB Dak Prescott is the real deal, and he’ll thrive with or without RB Ezikiel Elliot. The Giants’ defense is Super Bowl worthy, the Eagles will fly with their new toys on offense, and the Redskins still don’t know if their QB’s name is Kirk or Kurt Cousins.

 

NFC South

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1. Carolina Panthers 11-5

2. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10-6

3. Atlanta Falcons 8-8

4. New Orleans Saints 6-10

QB Cam Newton will see the Panthers rise from worst to first now that their Super Bowl 50 hangover is gone. QB Jameis Winston will help the Buccaneers take the next step towards contention, the Falcons will still be hungover from their Super Bowl 51, and the Saints still don’t play defense… ever.

 

NFC West

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1. Seattle Seahawks 13-3

2. Arizona Cardinals 8-8

3. Los Angeles Rams 5-11

4. San Francisco 49ers 4-12

The Seahawks tout one of the best defenses in the league, and QB Russell Wilson is one of the best QBs in the league despite taking snaps from a stitched-together offensive line. The Cardinals are another year older, the Rams are still trying to make QB Jared Goff happen even though it will never happen, and any progress the 49ers may make will be sabotaged because their owner runs every coach out of town, even when they make it to the Super Bowl.

 

AFC Playoff Picture

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1. New England Patriots

2. Pittsburgh Steelers

3. Oakland Raiders

4. Houston Texans

5. Kansas City Chiefs

6. Tennessee Titans

 

Wild Card

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3. Raiders over 6. Titans

4. Texans over 5. Chiefs

 

Divisional Round

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1. Patriots over 4. Texans

2. Steelers over 3. Raiders

 

AFC Championship

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2. Steelers over 1. Patriots

 

NFC Playoff Picture

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1. Seattle Seahawks

2. Dallas Cowboys

3. Carolina Panthers

4. Green Bay Packers

5. New York Giants

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

 

Wild Card

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5. Giants over 4. Packers

3. Panthers over 6. Buccaneers

 

Divisional Round

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1. Seahawks over 5. Giants

2. Cowboys over 3. Panthers

 

NFC Championship

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1. Seahawks over 2. Cowboys

 

SUPER BOWL LII

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Steelers over Seahawks

 

 

Every NFL Team and Division in 3 Words

3 words can tell the entire story.

With the dog days of summer winding down, NFL training camps are officially underway. While most want to jump the gun and predict the NFL season now, let’s start with 3 words to describe every team and every division in the NFL.

AFC North: Beat ’em up.

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Pittsburgh Steelers: Roethlisberger goes diva.

Baltimore Ravens: Binding Flacco contract.

Cincinnati Bengals: Picture of complacency.

Cleveland Browns: Hope? LOL. Nope.

The AFC North is a brutal division, one in which the teams beat each other up so much during the season come playoff time, they’re out of gas. The Steelers are the best team in the division, but Ben Roethlisberger discussing retirement this early smells like trouble. The Ravens will be competitive, but they’d be more competitive if not for QB Joe Facco’s contract. The Bengals never seem to aspire to be better than average, and the Browns are a doormat.

AFC South: First round exit.

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Houston Texans: Won with Osweiler.

Tennessee Titans: Rise of Mariota.

Indianapolis Colts: Out of Luck.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Gag on Coughlin.

The AFC South Division winner has the luxury of hosting a home playoff game and promptly losing. The Texans won with Brock Osweiler at QB, so rookie QB Deshaun Watson could be a step up. The Titans continued progress will depend on the health of QB Marcus Mariota, the Colts can’t continue relying on QB Andrew Luck to be a contender, and the “new look Jaguars” with Tom Coughlin in the front office will continue to be woeful until QB Blake Bortles is deported.

AFC East: Pats stand pat.

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New England Patriots: Please stop winning.

Miami Dolphins: One year wonder.

Buffalo Bills: Sabotaged by Pengulas.

New York Jets: J-E-T-S spells L-O-S-E.

Since 2001, only the Jets in 2002 and Dolphins in 2008 have won the division. The Patriots have nothing to worry about in this cakewalk of a division. The Dolphins won’t be able to replicate last years success, the Bills’ ownership prevents them from being even halfway competent, and the Jets are essentially tanking.

AFC West: Most competitive division.

Oakland Raiders: Just Win Baby.

Kansas City Chiefs: Kings of almost.

Denver Broncos: Mile High controversy.

Los Angeles Chargers: Soccer stadium tenants.

The AFC West is easily the NFL’s most competitive division, as 3 of the 4 teams posted records above .500 last year. The Raiders will want to continue their newfound commitment to excellence all the way to a division title. The Chiefs will sport a good team but aren’t legitimate contenders. The Broncos will be hindered by their QB controversy between Trevor Siemian and Paxton Lynch, and the Chargers were rewarded for moving to LA LA Land by being tenants in a 30,000 seat soccer stadium.

NFC North: Cold and predictable.

Green Bay Packers: Default division winner.

Minnesota Vikings: Bridge(water) too far.

Detroit Lions: Roar no more.

Chicago Bears: Should’ve ditched Mitch.

The NFC North is known for being a rather chilly division come late October, but its utterly predictable. The overrated, over-hyped, and overblown Packers will win the division. The Vikings need QB Teddy Bridgewater to come back if they have any hope of being a playoff contender. The Lions surprised many last season with a postseason appearance, but that seems unreasonable to expect this season. The Bears were swindled by the 49ers and picked a QB who started 13 games in his collegiate career, it’ll be a cold winter for them.

NFC South: Worst to first.

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Carolina Panthers: Dab strikes back.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Winston’s next step.

Atlanta Falcons: Super Bowl hangover.

New Orleans Saints: The final Brees.

This division always seems to have the worst to first syndrome, where a team that finished in last place the previous year ascends to first place the next. QB Cam Newton and the Panthers will continue this trend, as the dab will strike back. QB Jameis Winston could potentially lead the Bucs into the postseason, the Falcons won’t be over their epic collapse, and the Saints will be looking to move on from QB Drew Brees.

NFC East: Beasts in East.

Dallas Cowboys: Inmates running asylum.

New York Giants: Odell rights ship.

Philadelphia Eagles: Winners of off-season.

Washington Redskins: Kirk or Kurt?

The NFC East is always one of the roughest, toughest divisions in the NFL, and this year will be no different. While the Dallas Cowboys resemble more of a Federal prison than a football team, they’re the best team in the division. Giants WR Odell Beckham Jr. will overcome the ghost of his ill-fated boat trip and have an MVP caliber season. The Eagles impressed many with their off-season acquisitions, but will there be team chemistry? Meanwhile, the Redskins will continue to be petty and mispronounce their overrated QB’s name, Kirk (Kurt?) Cousins.

NFC West: One team matters.

Seattle Seahawks: Winning trumps animosity.

Arizona Cardinals: Gasp for Arians.

Los Angeles Rams: Scoff at Goff.

49ers: Still York owned.

This division has one relevant team. Despite the fact every player on the roster hates QB Russell Wilson, chief among them CB Richard Sherman, the Seahawks’ winning will mask their dysfunction. This season could very well be the Cardinals’ final run at a Super Bowl title. QB Jared Goff of the Rams will prove himself to be one of the biggest Draft Busts ever. Lastly, the 49ers are still owner by Jed York, who hired John Lynch, a former color commentator with no front office experience to be their GM (*Does Matt Millen ring a bell?*). Lynch went on to hire the man who called 5 running plays in the second half of Super Bowl 51 when he was up 28-3, Kyle Shanahan, the spoiled brat son of a tomato (*Mike Shanahan*).